WHY WOMEN STAY IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

The one question our culture generally asks of victims/survivors of domestic abuse is: "Why do/did you stay in an abusive relationship?"

REASON 1 - I'M STILL HOPEFUL!

• I love my partner.
• The good far outweighs the bad.
• My partner is in counseling and changing in positive ways.
• I believe the control (or violence) is not really my partner's true nature.
• I have a special bond with my partner that I'll never find with anyone else.
• I believe I can help my partner.
• I refuse to fail.
• I want my relationship to be the way it used to be. The abuse is not so bad.

REASON 2 - I'M AFRAID OF MY PARTNER!

• I'm afraid he'll get custody of the kids or kidnap them.
• I'm afraid he'll hurt the kids or other people.
• I'm afraid he'll track me down no matter where I go.
• I'm scared to act; anything I do might make it worse.
• He'll attack or kill me if I try to leave.
• He'll commit suicide if I leave, and I couldn't live with that.

REASON 3 - I'M AFRAID OF BEING ALONE!

• I'm afraid of being alone, at least I'm used to this life with my partner.
• I don't want to have to raise my kids alone.
• I'll never find anyone better out there. He's the best I can do.
• I've lost my confidence and feel mentally beaten down.
• I don't think I can make it on my own.
• I need him.
• I can't see living by myself.
• It's too dangerous.

REASON 4 - I'M AFRAID I CAN'T MAKE IT FINANCIALLY!

• I'm terrified of being poor and I will be, at least for a while, if I leave.
• I can't find housing I can afford.
• I'll never get a decent job.
• I'm scared I won't be able to support my kids and maybe I'll lose them.
• I'm terrified I'll end up homeless, or a bag lady.

REASON 5 - I'M STAYING HERE FOR MY CHILDREN!

• He loves the kids so much and is so good to them that I can't take them away from him.
• I don't want to ruin my kids' future and deprive them of nice things or a good education.
• I want my children to have a father. They need a role model.
• My kids need a disciplinarian.
• My father left us when I was a child, and I vowed this would never happen to my children.
• I know it's not good for my kids to see him treat me this way, but the alternatives - like leaving - seem worse for them.
• If I leave him, he'll get the children away from me somehow.

REASON 6 - I'M BOUND BY MY SENSE OF RESPONSIBILTY!

• I owe it to him: he stuck with me through hard times. A good wife stands by her man.
• I vowed we would never be a divorce statistic. I refuse to give up.
• I can't bear the responsibility for the relationship failing.
• He needs me. He'll fall apart or kill himself if I leave him.
• I'm not so easy to live with either. The responsibility for this is mine, too.
• I will never break my marriage vows. They were given to God.
• I can't leave him -- he's not well.
• I support him -- he needs me.

REASON 7 - I'M STILL IN THE PROCESS OF MAKING A CHOICE OR PLAN!

• I need more time to save money or finish school.
• I'm watching and evaluating: is he changing?
• I still have not found the help I need to leave.
• I'm trying to stop the abuse but keep the relationship.

Back